This year is going to suck isn't it now?

Leena is leaving soon and Eevi will be gone by March, and I suppose it's time I take my dad's blunt advice and 'make some new friends'. I don't want to though, I don't want to move on. I'm feeling so lazy. It's too much work to laugh at jokes I don't find funny. I don't understand why I don't fit in anymore, how I've become so damn antisocial in the past two years. I was the queen of the world once, wasn't I? I had everything I wanted and sure, I was a bitch, but I was satisfied. All that gossipping and bitching and social strategizing kept me busy, at least.

I'm not saying that I want to go back to all that. I love the way I am. It's just that other people don't.

School is starting in a day and I can't bear the thought of going back. I've left everything to the last moment again, of course, history and the Finnish speech and UWC applications and vanhat partners. I don't want to think about it yet. I need a change of scene. I've never felt quite as useless as I do in Finnish class. It makes me want to cry and I know that if I really tried I could change all, but I'm too proud, too much of a wimp. That's why UWC is so important to me. So necessary.

I won't get in and I know it and that makes it all seem so unworthwhile. I'm not even sure I'd like it there. I'm not sure how to put myself on paper, how to justify the need to leave this place. I wish I had that naïve childish charm people like Meri posess. She can't draw and she can't write but that certain charm always shines through her work and you can't help but love it. I never had that charm, not even as a kid.

I wish I could just crawl into a hole somewhere and let this world pass me by, watch it pass me by. It's not possible though. Hiding isn't an option. I wish it were.

On Monday I'll have to face that bullshit all over again.

Look, I tried, ok?

I did try. God knows what I wanted though. I had the whole script planned out but it was such bullshit anyway, the whole situation is just utter bullshit. I'm pissed off now, and I'm pissed off because I managed to get myself pissed off. Invading other people's privacy never did lead to any good, I should've learned that by now. Curiosity always prevails, I guess. And I don't blame her in the least for bitching off about me to others around the world and I understand completely, but fuck it if she cared as much as she let others believe then she'd at least answer my goddamn phonecalls.

I know I should be human and call again and go over and grovel at her doorstep but I'm not going to. I don't feel like I have anything to apologize for. I meant every word I wrote, and though I think I might have forgotten about it since February it's all coming back to me now and I remember exactly how I felt then. Why should I apologize for something I wrote in my own diary? Why can't I write whatever the fuck I please? It's not my fault she had to see it. Don't be such a saint, it's not like she's never written shit about me.

I would call again, if only for old time's sake, had I known what she was really thinking. Had I known for sure it really was my supposed pretending that hurt her, as opposed to wounded dignity. Somehow I'm finding that hard to believe. So they say she cares and she's hurt because she thinks I don't and my lord I almost believe it all but if so why won't didn't she even bother confront me about it? Frankly I don't see how she can take it so literally. She's too smart for that. I don't see why she thinks I'd have gone through all that trouble pretending even after middle school ended if she meant nothing to me. I don't see why she thinks I would've spent all that time talking to her over the phone had I not valued her as a friend. I didn't have to keep in touch. If I meant all I said I wouldn't have, Meri left and now there's no need keeping up charades is there? She's smarter than this.

Was I pretending? I don't know what the fuck she thinks I meant. I don't know what I meant myself, not really. I was pissed off. I did mean the whole list of things I wrote. I hated her then but I didn't say anything because I didn't dare, she was too fragile, but it ate at me all the same. I put up a smile whenever she was around and pretended her comments didn't bother me, I pretended I didn't mind when she was busy and when she talked on and on about her problems and didn't have time for mine. I did pretend a lot of things. If that counts as pretending to be her friend then yes, I did pretend.

I thought we sorted it out, though. I did finally burst in the end, or so I recall. I remember talking things over and deciding to both make an effort to change. I think we did change, and things are different these days. So why dig up the past like this and make such a huge deal out of it now?

I don't understand.

I don't believe you really believe I've been pretending all these years. I don't. I'm not that good at pretending. You're better than me. It amazes me how you could keep a straight face on Saturday while you must've hated me so bad, how you could talk and act normally and hug me and let me carry your stuff, fuss about food and watch the videos and laugh all those hours without saying a word. Apparently you've told everyone but me about this blog eh? Why, I thought I mattered. Of course I understand that you needed a few, or several, people to talk to and bitch to but after all that didn't you think it would worth informing me and hearing me out? Even if you had too much pride to reach me, why can't you even give me the chance to explain? I thought the reason you were pissed off was because our friendship mattered to you. But it's not worth a few minutes on the phone and a slight bit of pride to try to patch things up or what?

I know this is fucking suicide. I don't care. I don't know what to think.

Why do people have to be so complicated? So full of shit. I'm so sick of all this bullshit, I wish we could all just be exactly that that we are, that we could say just what we feel. I wish for a single moment we could all just let it all out. Why not?

The party yesterday was interesting, was pathetic, was humiliating, was crap, was awesome. I socialized with some of the most fucked up people in the human race, aka the Mattliden posse. I can't stand them, I can't stand a single one of them with their twisted lies and straight faces, love-pentagons and drama and all that complex bullshit. How the fuck do they take it, seriously?

Why do they have to pretend to be people they're not? Why do I?

I hate it I hate it so bad.

Pete went from pretending not to see me to ignoring me to staring at me and smiling but not saying a word. I don't know what's going on in that messed up pretty head of his and frankly I don't care. I'm so sick of him, so bored with all these people. I'm so sick of their mood-swings and egos and the way lying is just second nature. And most of all I'm sick of being the little 9th grader tagging along in all the high-school parties. I don't even like them, any of them. Maybe I wanted to be like them at some point, maybe I wanted to fit in, for Karl's sake. That was such a long time ago. But maybe it's become a habit. I don't even know what I want anymore, half the time I don't even know what I'm doing.

I gotta get away from them, I gotta find myself a new crew. I don't wanna become that fucked up. Perhaps I am already.

I fell for Jason yesterday, and I dreamt of him last night. And now it's kinda shitty cuz I know it won't work out. It'd be a party thing, at most. He's Ike's friend. There's really nothing more to say.

He really has the loveliest eyes I've ever seen. They're burnt into my fucking brain. He's so cute. And so damn clueless.

I think that's what attracted me to him in the first place, actually. How naïve he seemed. He's so completely different from any of the other guys I've liked. Which is good, seeing my long list of fucked up schizophrenic insecure assholes. Jason didn't seem like he had crazy mood-swings or deep dark secrets or insecurities eating him up alive. He didn't seem like he's a pathological liar or a megalomaniac bastard or just generally a jealous psycho, which is really a lot more than I can say about many of my exes. He was really simple and innocent and laughed at all my random jokes that I swear he didn't get. He was so cute, like a little kid. He said all these weird quirky things and used the strangest expressions. And you wouldn't know, but it's such a great change from all the aggressive, sharp-witted, dominant/ power-hungry, hopelessly clever guys I usually fall for.

But you know what? It won't work will it. I'm so tired, really. I don't have the energy for this. I won't fucking take it if he turns out to be some maniac too. He will. He's Ike's friend for god's sake, that already says it all. Everyone seems to have some crazy fucked up secret identity just aching to come out. I can't take it. Why? Why the fuck are we all so complicated. I gotta take a fucking break man.

I'm gonna be a nun.

She gets to me so bad I've begun to forget why. Or I haven't, actually. It's cuz of the damn way she has to correct every tiny detail, how she says things without a single thought, how she doesn't seem to give a shit what other people think. The way she'll just call someone fat or ugly or stupid and laugh about it afterwards. It's the way she copies the way I talk and the words I use, the huge, unspoken competition between us. It's how she puts everything, her family, her boyfriend, school, her horse her dog, everything, before her friends. How she never buys birthday/ Christmas/ whatever presents and freaks if you forget her nameday, and how she always shows up late, and then bitches about every unimportant detail and spoils everyone else's good mood. It's the way she never even tries to change, or how everytime we critisize her in any slightest manner, she'll break down and cry and make us feel guilty. It's how she thinks she's so special and she's the only one with any sort of problems at all and therefore has the right to bitch off and angst and make people feel bad, and then just blame it on mood-swings. It's the way everyone's so used to the way she is and lets her get away with it. Well I can't, and I can't wait till highschool when I'll finally get to stop pretending to be her friend.

I know I won't, though. I'll still pretend then.

What can I do, I've known her for so long.

But I swear someday I'm just gonna burst and shout everything to her face. Wow that would suck though. :) All these years of pretending to be such a great friend and all. I'm still going to France with her this summer, a whole three weeks. It woulda been four had she not insisted on cancelling the last week in case, and just in case, something better comes along then. Fuck. As if I'd have been able to stand her for a whole month though, anyway.

Blaaaah.

Well on a lighter note, Tiksi if the day after tomorrow, and I am kinda psyched. What do I weeeaaar?? :D I swear I've gone uglier since last year. Is that even physically possible? But oh god oh god I swear, seriously, nothing in my wardrobe looks good on me anymore!! And I am totally out of cash... Whatever, I'm still gonna go shopping tomorrow and blow all I got on some useless top I'll never wear after the party, I swear. That is just so me...

Hmm, it is just a party... But still it's kinda creepy how everyone I know and everyone I want to know will just be crammed in one room. o.O And all those people at SYK, too. What if I hate them? That would suck. And then there's all these old friends I've lost touch with. And then there's Pete. I just found out that Patrick's gonna be there too (JUST when I thought I'd finally get rid of him for one damn weekend) and that sucks, it's like this huge huge walking bulletin board with CONSCIENCE printed on. DON'T HIT ON PETE. Blaaaaah. :P

I better find something hot to wear tomorrow. :)

First of all: I HATE THOSE COLORS!! =P All the pink, and the green... I hate pink and green! But I'm total crap at any sort of coding and that's all I can manage for now. If anyone happens to come by this blog and is bored enough to help, then PLEASE, be my guest. :-)

Ok, now where were we... Oh yeah, I was about to introduce myself. Which actually is utterly pointless, as no one's gonna come across this page anyway. Besides, if someone does, I'd be a lot safer without giving away who I am. Oh well, if I'm sick enough to start recording my personal life on the internet, I might as well be sick enough to tell you all who I am, too.

Come to think about it, this is really the most illogical time for me to start a webjournal. This one girl from school had put down all her personal shit and crushes and secrets and so on a webpage - like how I'm about to do - and some people came across the site and it's been the talk of the whole school for weeks now. The poor girl didn't even show up at our christams party. Actually, I was the one spreading the gossip. And now here I am making my own blog, knowing perfectly well what's gonna happen if people find out. I'm sick, really. Twisted. And I have a pink and green layout.

Right, so back to introducing myself. What can I say? I'm just your average teenager. With the crushes, mood-swings... no acne, thank god. :) Come right down to it, my life is pretty damn boring. What are you doing here, anyways?? Go read someone else's blog, for god's sake!! =D

And you know what? I'm not even gonna bother introducing myself. Cuz it's like talking to myself, if you know what I mean. This journal's for me, and I know who I am. If you're interested and you wanna know more about me, just keep following this blog and it'll come clear soon.

Until then, chao!